Entire 6 Chapter- Out of Darkness-Through the Eyes of Children

At times, the pain became so intense that I would turn to the booze and still take the pills. What a sight; I would be all drunk and on pills and hating myself and wanting to die but too afraid to kill myself because I thought I would go to hell, and that scared me so very much. Think about this. You are in a hole with no sign of light for years, never hearing the voice of hope or the words of love. In your own mind, you feel nothing and all you want to do is die.


You sleep some days for eighteen hours and don’t leave your house for weeks at a time. The kids want you to do something and it’s all you can do to still want to breathe. I must admit it’s very hard to have children and have a mental illness. The kids are screaming or everything is going nuts and you feel as though your head is going to explode from all the pressure you feel, and maybe you yell at them at an inappropriate time. Later you feel terrible, as you know you were the wrong one in that situation.

I must let you now with the proper medicine and lots of retraining your brain, I can handle the children and going out in public, I means sometimes they get on my nerves but what parent does not have it ruff once in a while, so with practice and taking medicines at certain times through out the day, It’s like a brand new life and it seems to just keep getting better all the time!


And then there were all those thoughts going through your head. How would your children perceive you when they get older? What would they tell their friends you did for a living? Would they be proud of you? Many nights I had to drink because I couldn’t handle them. Please know this wasn’t because I was a bad dad. The simple fact of the matter was, I was depressed and it was like looking through a funny pair of glasses that made the world seem to be in a certain way that normal folks who didn’t have depression could not see.


Was it tough? You bet. You feel like a failure when you can’t work and like a useless piece of you-know-what. How are you supposed to have any self-esteem when you are mentally ill and have a family to raise? What will your children think of you when they get older? This question runs through your head over and over again. Will they understand what you are going through or will they hate you because they had to do without? Are they going to be scared because at times you were so doped up that you didn’t know your butt from a hole in the ground?

I can honestly say that I know that even though I am on disability, my kids are proud of me and they tell there friends, hey my dad writes book for a living and the truth be told, I am getting to the point were all I will need to do is write Then I can get off this disability and feel the pride in making my own way in the world and this makes me feel very special.


I have dealt with this firsthand. Needless to say my children were without a strong father figure for quite some time, and seeing their dad in a mental ward every month had to be terrifying, to say the least.


I want to touch on the area of my life as a husband and father during this period. You really want to be a better father and play with your kids and when you can’t it pushes you into depression even worse! You want to be a better husband and when you can’t it pushes you into depression even worse. You may ask yourself why you cannot.


The answer to that, my friend, is this—how can you when you can’t even manage your own life and stay off the booze or out of the bars? Can’t stand to go out in public and you come home drunk and yelling about this and that, making a real scene and throwing things through the window or chairs at the wall? I am sure this wasn’t healthy for my kids and I can’t remember if they were even up at the time, but I am sure at times I must have woke them up.

Now you must know this has all changed, I am a great dad and my kids love me and I never miss a game or a parade or just sitting and talking to them and telling them that I love them and most of the time it’s smooth sailing, ruff spots here and there but who doesn’t. So know after seven years of doing good and things are getting better and better, I must say it feels good.

Now don’t let me sit here and only paint a negative picture of myself as a parent, because this is not the case. I remember when my kids would come to the mental ward and we would play board games the whole time they were there. No matter how I felt, I would play games with them and when they were leaving I would grab some ice cream out of the freezer for them. I am not saying this made up for all the bad times. It just goes to show you that I truly did love my children, because no matter what I was going through, we would play board games and have ice cream and they looked forward to it, and yes, it made me feel like a million dollars to see those kids smile!


(IT ALWAYS HAS AND ALWAYS WILL.)


I really did enjoy being a good dad, and there were plenty of times that I was a good father in between my bad spells, because there were lots of pretty good times and times when I could work. Yet as the years passed those times got fewer and fewer and it just kept getting tougher and tougher. What kind of father and husband do you think you are? Do you think you are a good one? You know you’re not and this kills you in every way. It tears you apart at the seams. I don’t even know if I was that bad of a dad, this is just how I remember it. I may be too hard on myself, who knows, maybe not.


You feel like a total failure. You’re down on yourself, your self-esteem is at rock bottom and you figure you should not even try, because no matter what you do you seem to fail at it and turn to the booze, to help you cope. Your kids and wife see you getting drunk night after night to hide the biological unhappiness

(NOT YOUR FAULT!)

and do you think this makes you feel good? Of course it doesn’t. You feel worthless and like a bum, but you honestly can’t help it, it’s not your fault. So anyone out there reading this who has biological unhappiness and wants to be a better parent or a better spouse, continue to look for that doctor who can help make you feel better. If you aren’t getting any better then you need to go shopping around; they are out there. Please give the doctor time to work, just not forever. And know that if you are treated properly you will be a better spouse and parent and it will become easier and easier and the drinking will stop if you really want to recover and are feeling great.


Dr. Heller came right out and told me alcohol is poison for me with what I had and that he would treat me even if I continued to drink. So I decided right then and there that I would never take another drink, and you know why? I saw the hope in his eyes that was not present in all the other doctors; that’s just one of the things made him different. I could actually see myself getting better just by the way that he talked to me! I knew I would be able to go out in public with my family again. I would slowly play with my kids more, buy my wife that rose to make her day. These things can and do happen. That is just a small glimpse of my life as a father and husband and why it shapes up in the way that it does, and how with


HOPE


All this can change!


(SLOWLY.)


Things will come back to you, and if you never had it, roll up your sleeves and start the learning process. You can be a good spouse and a great parent, of this I am sure. I just thank God for my children’s mother, who is a strong woman and held this family together.


(Thank you, Melinda.)


Without her I would not be here today! On the other hand if any of you could feel or know what I went through you would certainly give me praise. Why? Because each time I would pick myself up and try again and again and again. I never quit trying no matter what the odds looked like stacked up against me.

I’ve always tried to work when I could and done everything in my power to overcome my downfalls in life and not let this mental illness, this “biological unhappiness,” get the best of me. For my wife I got up every day, for my kids I would take another breath when I just wanted to lie down and stop breathing. I could never leave my wife and children in so much pain.


Some day they will look back and know that not only did their dad love them, but he made every effort to get through this thing and make them proud of their old man! To my wife, I know I have caused you great pain, I would take it back in one minute, but your love, honey, kept me alive, and for the rest of my life I will work on becoming the best husband a woman could ever have. You are truly my inspiration; you are the meaning in this crazy, mixed-up world.


I sank so low that I stole from my mom, dad, and grandma to drink. Once, after I was completely wasted, I screwed a two-inch lag bolt through my hand. I went to the hospital to have it removed and that hurt more than anything I have ever felt! Then I was sent to the hospital in Cleveland. The only good thing to come out of that experience was the fact that they diagnosed me with BPD


(BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER).


That assessment was the key to my recovery and to getting proper help from an expert in that field.


I really thought that hospital in Cleveland was iffy in the way they treated their patients. Now don’t get me wrong, I have not hated all the mental wards that I have been in. There was one in Lorain, Ohio, that was great! I may not have gotten much better, yet it was a positive experience. They treated their patients with kindness and did not talk to us in a demeaning way, or as if we were children, just with love and kindness. That was a glimmer of hope and even though I didn’t realize it until years down the road, that was the first sign of light in the later years. Oh, how precious that first sign of light was!

After many years of pain and the suffering, that little bit of light was the hope that I needed when I lived in a world of darkness and pain. The light showed me that there is a way out! I had hope


(HOWEVER SMALL)

that I could recover and lead a normal life. That’s what all biological unhappiness people want. Love, life, and the total pursuit of happiness—without the existence of the total darkness you have lived in.


You can recover, you can win, and you can become the person you want! The ability of the human mind cannot be measured!

—Arthur Buchanan


The road we all travel, the path we must take, the choices we make are full of mistakes. The joy is in creating who and what you are. If you look at it that way, the vision is clear. Love is the answer, love is the answer.

—Arthur Buchanan


A life without joy was never meant to be. Happiness for a select few is not the design that God wanted it to be. He gave life to all that you may see, that happiness and joy begins with me being me!

—Arthur Buchanan



I must mention some of the things my grandma would do that made her so special to me at this time in my life. Throughout the whole depression process, my grandma was the one person I could call and talk to about how bad I was feeling, about how I no longer wanted to live, and so forth. I would complain to her how things just weren’t fair. How I was depressed and hated myself! When I needed a ride from the bar home at two in the morning, I’d call Grandma because it was easier than getting my wife up with all the kids. I would rant and rave and say this and that and complain the whole time and be a complete ass.


(AFTER ALL, I WAS DRUNK!)


She has also always helped me out financially. When I have needed money, she has been there and when I say money I am not talking about just a few hundred dollars here and there. There was the time when I was about $20,000 in debt from credit cards and she paid the bill so my credit wouldn’t be ruined. Through DUI’s and leaving the scenes, she paid all my fines, and bailed me out when I would get in over my head with credit cards.

If I tried to commit suicide she would be the one I called and it never failed that she would come running to my rescue and save my life by calling the proper people to see that I would not die! When I drove nails through my hands and feet, she would be the one I would call. When I cut my wrists, I would call Grandma and tell her what I had done! I must admit sometimes she would get pissed off at me, yet she would always come to my rescue. Like a knight in shining armor, there was my grandma to help pick up all the pieces and I will never forget what she has done for me!


I believe what meant the most to me was the fact that we would talk every day. I would pour my heart out to her because for some reason it was easier to talk to her than to my wife about my problems with depression. That’s the way it’s always been. I would talk to her up to three times a day, and to this day we still talk once a day, and I truly and honestly love her for all she has done for me. I am sure that I have not given justice to what she has done for me, yet I am trying to give you a small glimpse of what she has meant to me and done for me throughout all the years I have known her as my grandmother.

THANK YOU, GRANDMA, I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART!