High School Years - The Whole Thrid Chapter (3) of Out of Darkness

Never quit dreaming, never give in; today is a gift that you can win! Mold and shape it as you see fit to any form that you so choose. The limits are endless, the time is now, so see yourself as the winner you are and that you want to be. Close your eyes tightly, the vision now clear, the process begins! Hold on to your dreams, never once letting go, and search deep within, the change now begins. When you open your eyes and look with a grin, youll be startled to see, the new person in the mirror whos staring back at you.

Arthur Buchanan



By now I had seen my first shrink

(I am not trying to cut anyone down here; I just have more faith in Dr. Heller and his approach)

and was on Xanax and a mild antidepressant and would go to my family doctor or emergency room quite often. The pills didnt mix well with the alcohol (this was the start of fifteen years of drinking). I spent countless days and hours in the hospital.

Its too bad I wasted all that time and energy trying to hide my drinking from family and friends. It first started just on weekends and at parties, then slowly increasedbut what a dramatic increase it was. There was a time when I drank fifteen beers a day for an entire year!

(THAT'S SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF.)

That was after high school and many light years away, though. During my freshman year I slowly started to lose my popularity and started to hang around the crowd that drank and smoked weed every day or almost every day! At the same time I would still try and hang out with all the right people.

(balanced my time between the two crowds.)

Now you may be asking, why did I start to lose my popularity? For a number of reasons. I was no longer the happy kid, no longer the class clown. No wise jokes from me. Took all my effort to want to live and to hide the way I was feeling from all my friends because I didnt want them to think I was

DIFFERENT (my worst fear).

Not that dreaded word. So I would hang around the crowd who smoked weed and drank, because when I smoked and drank I could still be funny and then I was still the life of the party. This is what I wanted, just couldnt seem to get that way without drugs; thus I turned to a different crowd, one that accepted my heavy drinking and drug use. I was now funny and popular again and thats why I moved to a different crowd and shied away from the preppies.

That all went really well for a year or two. Meanwhile the panic attacks would come and go and so would the depression. As always I would hide it with a joint and a beer, boy what a relief.

(I FELT NORMAL AGAIN!)

Little did I know that this only hid my problems and in the long run only made them worse. I tried counseling for my nerves and panic attacks. Relaxation tapes seemed to help some. Then a strange thing started happening. When I would smoke a joint my heart would race and it felt like I was having a heart attack.

(almost would beat out of my chest.)

I was terrified to get help, because I was afraid that they would find out that I was on drugs, and this just would not be acceptable to my parents at all! This started to happen more and more. I had another problemthey took my pills away because of the alcohol. But I needed to drink. When I would lose a girlfriend in high school I would cry for hours, if not days, and would make myself sick and have the blues for days on end.

(and see no hope for the future.)

So the booze had a purposeto hide the pain!

I can remember back then hey, what the hell is going on here? Doesnt anyone notice that hey I might be having a problem? Just maybe I am losing my marbles? SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!

I remember times when I would take so many Xanaxes that I thought my heart would quit beating. I mean I was taking four of five of them and drinking, then WHAM, I literally could barely move! I would feel my pulse and it was sometimes hard to find! My mind would start in again, only this time it would take forever to register and this was when I really wanted help. Yet I couldnt move! Imagine that feeling, one of the worst I have ever had!

I mean I thought that I was going to die but I could not move or talk, everyone was looking at me saying man he is fucked up, kick him, hey that hurts leave me alone you asshole. I wonder if anyone knew I wanted help. Well I did and it never came and then on and on things would get worse as I would drink every Fri., sat and Sunday and sometimes in-between.

I believe my junior year in high school was my lowest moment in the early years. As this is a very touchy situation, I shall withhold all names for the privacy of those involved. I was going out with this girl and we would have sex four to five times a week, all unprotected, of course.

Just so you know, I loved this girl and would have married her if she hadnt left me. Please dont get the wrong impression here; I honestly love my wife and would never in a million years leave her for anyone. Just wanted to let you know that I loved this girl and would have married her at the time if shed have had me. Now you know having sex that many times a month, sooner or later she was going to get pregnant. Well, she did and when she told me I freaked out. However, I never let her know that I was scared; I played it cool.

(YET INSIDE I WAS TERRIFIED.)

I was eighteen and going to be a dad. Well, I thought this through. I really loved her with all my heart. I thought some more, and a strange thing happened.

I STARTED TO GET EXCITED!

I was going to be a dad, and I was going to be the best dad there ever was. I was quitting school and getting a job and supporting us and we were going to be a family.

(I KINDA LIKED THIS IDEA.)

Then

WHAM! I MEAN DOUBLE WHAM!

She told me she wanted to have an abortion. I was crushed. She doesnt love me, I thought. She is going to kill our child.

(LET ME STATE HERE FOR THE RECORD, I BEILEVE THAT ABORTION IS A WOMANS CHOICE, BUT THE GUY WILL FEEL THE RESULTS ALSO, SO PLEASE GIRLS TRY TO INVOLVE YOUR PARTNER BEFORE YOU MAKE ANY CHOICES AND PLEASE TALK TO A NUETRAL PARTY AND GET ALL THE FACTS, BECAUSE ITS A CHOICE THAT LAST A LIFETIME! LET ME GONE ON RECORD AS SAYING THAT I HAVE FORGIVEN THIS GIRL AND ONLY HAVE LOVE IN MY HEART FOR HER, SO GIRLS THE CHOICE IS UP TO YOU, DONT TAKE IT LIGHTLY!)

The rest of this chapter is how I felt at the time this happened and back then I thought abortion was both our choices, now I believe the women has the right to decide as long as she thinks long and hard about what it will do to both of them.

My mind was racing, what am I going to do? This is not right, and what is she thinking? Then it got worseshe wanted me to pay for half of it!

I became furious. She wanted me to pay for half and have a hand in killing my own child, how dare she? I tried everything humanly possible to let this girl know that I loved her and wanted to be with her forever, to no end. Her mind was made up. What was I going to do? I was young and scared and was in a major depression, didnt know what to do. I was afraid to tell my mom and dad or her mom or dad, for that matter. So as the story goes we went to have the abortion. I cried the whole way there as I knew it was wrong and I tried everything in my power to stop it.

(BUT TO THIS DAY I WONDER IF I DID ENOUGH.)

You want to know the sad thing? I paid half the cost because I wanted to stay together with her. I regret to this day that I buckled under the pressure. After it was over I was crushed. Things were never the same between that girl and me and our relationship went down the tubes fast.

As you can guess I turned to alcohol for relief and oh, how I drank. We had killed our baby. Even though I didnt want it to happen, I blamed myself for not telling my mom and dad and her mom and dad. I felt that I should have done something to stop this heinous crime of taking a life. So as you can imagine I drank and I drank and I drank and a year later thats when I turned to cocaine and I continued my drinking for thirteen more years. When I say heavy, I mean heavy. When I drank I literally could not stop till I was out of money or fell over, peed my pants, got cut off, or got into a fight.

If anyone is reading this who has a pregnant girlfriend, or you are that pregnant girl, please stop and think what you are doing and dont make a decision that you might regret the rest of your life.

SAVE A LIFE AND YOU WILL BE GLAD YOU DID!

My goal in adding this story is not to make anyone relive the past or make them look bad. It was the lowest point in my life and needed to be added to the story, and in the end it gives me a chance to tell young people who may be reading it not to make a educated choice. If this saves just one life then all the heat I may receive will be worth all the weight in gold in the world. Please know that I added it in a way that points to no special girl, as when this girl and I broke up I had numerous girlfriends to try and hide the pain, so no one knows who this person is and that is just the way I want it.


I know this is a strange place to think about this but here goes. I had a thought of when I was a child; I would pee to bed because it was easier than getting up in the middle of the night and fighting the darkness.

Anyway, I had always taken summer school so I didnt need any credits to graduate my senior year. I went to school for three periods a day, got off and did my homework, and then I would go to work from 3:00 PM until 11:00 PM and get off and drink with myself.

(I drank alone.)

This made for a very lonely senior year. I missed all the games and sporting events and fell off the face of the earth socially, but the goal was to save up for college. Well, when the time came near I got more and more afraid to go to college and I really didnt have any time because the drinking had a real hold on my life at this point.

If I only I could have stayed in school full time I think I would not have sunken so low and I think I would not have fallen so far.

One night I came home drunk and my father and I got into a big fight. I told him that he was not my father; because I was adopted.

(it really was an ugly scene!)

I think I hurt my one and only dad that I had ever known terribly. I still hate to think back to that night and I will always regret it.

I want you to know, Dad, that I love you and respect you for the man you are and have always been and will always be. I truly love you and look up to you, you are the only dad I will ever have and the only dad I will ever want! Thanks,

YOUR TRULY GRATEFUL SON.

My ego was really getting low at this point. I was sinking in and out of depression and never would do anything for my folks, not because I hated them or anything, but I just always seemed to need to be running here or there and wanting to drink as much as possible and hide it from them all. Finally, I graduated and what a massive bunch of parties that was.

(I CAN BARELY REMEMBER MOST.)

I must mention the party I had. Since I was working at the time, I had a bash! I mean a bash and thats what it was called:

BUCKS BASH.

We had six kegs of beer and what a party it was; people from all over the place came. We took my friends pickup and put the six kegs in the back; the only problem we had was getting enough ice to keep them all cold.

(WHAT WERE WE GOING TO DO? WE COULDNT SERVE WARM BEER.)

So at eight in the morning we started to go to all the ice places, the places that actually make ice. At one of them we went in one of the side doors and asked this guy how much to get the back of a pickup filled? We were in luck. They had just dumped a huge load out back that was unacceptable for the public. He said if we got a shovel we could have it for free! Oh man, did we feel lucky, all that ice for nothing! So we started shoveling it into the pickup. It took over two hours to fill the whole thing.

(I THOUGHT MY ARMS WERE GOING TO FALL OFF!)

We had accomplished all that we had set out to do, went and picked up the beer and got ice for nothing, man everything was going right! Just to let you know the ice lasted the whole day and all night. It was a brilliant idea to see a pickup loaded down with ice and six kegs off beer.

Man what a party we were going to have! I started drinking so early that I think I lay down and passed out at eleven oclockthat was early back then. We had a DJ and a huge sound system; it was a crazy time!

In the end I decided not to go to college and instead keep working. This was just one on my list of many things that I would start and never finish.

With Much Love,
Arthur

www.out-of-darkness.com

arthur@out-of-darkness.com